Pork Pies: TV Licensing Are Master Bakers

TV Licensing's PR harlots were feverishly peddling their own "special" brand of news yesterday, with the publication of comical excuses allegedly given by licence-fee dodgers.

Excuses quoted by TV Licensing include the gems:

• "Apparently my dog, which is a corgi, was related to the Queen's dog so I didn't think I needed a TV licence"
• "Why would I need a TV licence for a TV I stole? Nobody knows I've got it"
• "Only my three-year-old son watches the TV. Can you take it out of the family allowance I receive for him? He watches it so he should pay"
• "I had not paid as I received a lethal injection"
• "I don't want to pay for a licence for a full year. Knowing my luck I'll be dead in six months and won't get value for money"
• "I have lost weight recently and had to buy new clothes. That's why I could not afford to buy a TV licence"

For some obscure reason they failed to mention the following excuses that we regularly hear:

• "I'm not funding an organisation that has employed paedophiles like Jimmy Savile and Stuart Hall"
• "I don't have a TV, so why should I be bullied into buying a licence?"
• "I only use my TV for DVDs, so I don't legally need a licence"
• "Why should I fund an organisation that is so reckless with taxpayer's money?"
• "The BBC is biased towards its own political and cultural agenda"
• "I already have a TV licence, so why are you hassling me?"

It wouldn't surprise us if TV Licensing had cobbled together this uncorroborated clap trap as a cheap attempt to get their name back in the news. Even more important to raise the profile of TV Licensing in the week that Stuart Hall, latest nonce of the BBC parish, was banged up for 15 months. Hall's conviction and imprisonment must surely mean thousands more cancelled TV licences, which the BBC will be seeking to mitigate at all costs.

TV Licensing press releases: The greatest work of fiction since vows of fidelity were included in the French marriage service.