TV Licensing Goons: Alternative Employment

Earlier this week TV Licensing, or rather their two-bit PR harlots, flooded newspapers across the land with what can only be described as cheap and fanciful tales about goon doorstep encounters.

TV Licensing PR is a bit of a joke really. It's not quite on the same farcical level as BBC transparency, but it's a joke nonetheless. We can imagine the scene in some seedy backstreet PR parlour. In the dimly-lit, damp-smelling basement some of TV Licensing's finest PR minds, arguably not a very high benchmark to achieve, are salivating at the prospect of their next tranche of recycled stories about £1000 fines or imaginary detector vans. They work in isolation, far-detached from the civilisation of the outside world or concept of respectable employment.

Somehow we have no difficulty imagining a conversation along the following lines: "I know what we can do. It's been a whole 6-months since we last put out a story about the excuses offered by licence-dodging scum. Let's prepare another story on the same theme".

Well, two can play at that game. Today, for your amusement, we publish our equally well-researched and corroborable list of jobs that our respondents consider better than being a TV Licensing goon. We're confident it has been prepared to the same exacting standards as the average TV Licensing press release:

• Stephen Hawking's voice coach
• Goonhilde's gynaecologist
• Boris Johnson's hairdresser
• Coronation Street script editor
• STD clinic scab sampler
• Jimmy Savile/Stuart Hall character witness
• Paris poop scooper
• Civil Enforcement Officer
• Sewer jet washer
• Rent boy
• Sigmoidoscope cleaner
• Justin Bieber's PR agent
• Police Community Support Officer
• Michael Barrymore's pool cleaner
• Outdoor River Dance teacher in Helmand province
• CSA investigator in Merseyside
• Heterosexual fluffer on a gay porn movie set
• Seal clubber
• Suicide booth tester

Those are just a few of the suggestions from our respondents. If you can think of any other careers that would be preferable to being a TV Licensing goon, please add them in the comments below.

Edit: Thanks to Taff, Roy Stirred-Oyster, jasovanooo and D Tec tor Van for the last minute additions.