A cloudless blue sky. The gentle rustle of leaves in the soothing cool breeze. The calming sound of bird song dancing through the air. The pungent smell of freshly mown grass wafting all around. You cast your bait upon the surface. Wait in eager anticipation...
...and BANG - you just landed yourself a TV Licensing whopper!
And boy, do TV Licensing have some whoppers. Absolute chodes of the highest magnitude.
TV Licensing goon fishing, the sport of kings, is back!
Goon fishing is a sport only for those truly dedicated to the legally-licence-free cause. Anyone not willing to dip their toe into the murky waters of goon fishing, should revert to our default position of staying silent and immediately closing the door on any TV Licensing goon that calls (read more about identifying TV Licensing goons).
Budding goon anglers need to be aware of the real possibility they might come toe-to-toe with their prey the Yellow Bellied, Pox Riddled Capita TV Licensing Goon, goonus bullshitus.
For that reason, their own legally-licence-free status needs to be absolutely watertight, as I'm sure it will be if they've read the TV Licensing Blog thoroughly.
A quick reminder of how the art of goon fishing works:
1. Every goon angler needs to be familiar with goonus bullshitus' preferred habitat - unlicensed properties that have ignored TV Licensing's caustic missives. That's where they need to cast their bait. Just as there's no point trying to catch a salmon in some brown-coloured Merseyside canal, there's no point trying to catch a goon at a property covered by a TV licence.
2. The angler casts some ground bait into the waters they are fishing. This needs to be quite heavy, as goonus bullshitus are well known bottom feeders. We recommend the goon angler installs a TV simulation device (aff. link) in prime position at the front of their property. They should also recruit an anonymous friend to call TV Licensing (0300 790 6096) and report the strange nocturnal flickerings they regularly see through the living room window of the goon angler's property.
3. Ideally, the angler's unlicensed property should be well covered by audio recording CCTV (aff. link). Failing that the angler at least needs a fully charged camera or mobile phone close at hand for when an unsuspecting goonus bullshitus takes the bait.
4. Sooner or later a TV Licensing goon is going to swim by and take an interest in the bait. There are a few particularly feeble specimens that only nudge the bait with their noses and then swim away in terror, but a few of the bolder, more institutionalised examples take the bait hook, line and sinker. These are the keepers.
5. As soon as the bite is confirmed, the angler should start reeling the TV Licensing goon in. This is best achieved by opening the front door, starting to record and staring vacantly in their direction. The goon will start to flap and ask ridiculous questions like "are you the occupier?" and "is this number 43 Coronation Street?" The goon angler should play the line by staring blankly, camera rolling and saying nothing. Hopefully the goon will be so distressed at being hooked it will start to fight back. The angler shouldn't be too perturbed by this - they should just keep playing the line until the goon eventually tires.
6. Once the goon has tired, close the door. Head straight to your computer and upload the footage to YouTube for others to relive the experience and admire your catch.
7. If the goonus bullshitus makes any threatening comments as they are reeled in, please let us know and report it to the police.
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