TV Licensing PR: New Year, Same Orchestrated Bullshit

Spookily, just as we reported at this time last year, TV Licensing's massed army of PR harlots have been out their first manoeuvres of the new year.

Few people realise that whenever they read a news article about TV Licensing it was invariably planted by their PR people. TV Licensing "spokespeople" are actually employed by one of their regional PR contractors.

TV Licensing PR is a bit of a joke really. We can imagine the scene in some seedy backstreet PR parlour. In the dimly-lit, damp-smelling basement some of TV Licensing's finest PR minds, just like those named below, are salivating at the prospect of their next tranche of recycled stories about £1,000 fines, imaginary detector vans or, as in this case, the number of black and white TV viewers.

Forget any notion of off-the-cuff spontaneity, sincerity or originality - these PR harlots may be geographically spread, but they're all singing from exactly the same song sheet provided by their TV Licensing puppet masters. Docile newspaper editors, who TV Licensing email thousands of these stories to each year, are only too happy to fill empty column inches with whatever uncorroborated claptrap lands in their inboxes.

Did you know that in this digital age more than 11,000 homes still watch their favourite programmes on a black and white television? "Who gives a shit?" I hear you all cry, but apparently it's quite a big deal to TV Licensing.

TV Licensing PR gobshite Richard Chapman, explains to the people of Gloucestershire: "Today's figures show, even in the digital age, that more than 11,000 homes still watch their favourite programmes on a black and white television.

"We may be on the brink of losing black and white sets to the history books, but older technology will always be replaced by exciting new ways of watching live. It’s important that no matter how you watch live TV, whether on a black and white set, or online, you’re correctly licensed to do so."

Not to be outdone, follicly-challenged TV Licensing PR harlot Mark Whitehouse, who curiously doesn't like being named in Freedom of Information Act responses, explains to the people of Northamptonshire: "Today's figures show, even in the digital age, that more than 11,000 homes still watch their favourite programmes on a black and white television.

"We may be on the brink of losing black and white sets to the history books, but older technology will always be replaced by exciting new ways of watching live. It’s important that no matter how you watch live TV, whether on a black and white set, or online, you’re correctly licensed to do so."

Meanwhile in West Yorkshire, TV Licensing PR flunky Paul Williams shares his opinion with the people of Bradford: "Today's figures show, even in the digital age, that more than 11,000 homes still watch their favourite programmes on a black and white television.

"We are on the brink of losing black and white sets to the history books, but older technology will always be replaced by exciting new ways of watching live."

Regular TV Licensing PR mouthpiece Emma Cowlard recites the impressive statistics to the people of Southampton: "Today's figures show, even in the digital age, that more than 11,000 homes still watch their favourite programmes on a black and white TV set."

TV Licensing PR man Stephen Farmer somehow manages to attract the interest of The Express: "Today's figures show, even in the digital age, that more than 11,000 homes still watch their favourite programmes on a black and white TVs."

Welsh TV Licensing PR gobshite Sara Jones regurgitates exactly the same soundbite to the people of South Wales: "Today's figures show, even in the digital age, that more than 11,000 homes still watch their favourite programmes on a black and white television.

"We may be on the brink of losing black and white sets to the history books, but older technology will always be replaced by exciting new ways of watching live. It’s important that no matter how you watch live TV, whether on a black and white set, or online, you’re correctly licensed to do so."

Over the next couple of days I would expect to see the exact same soundbite from TV Licensing's regional PR harlots in the North of England, Scotland and Northern Ireland.

Next time you're reading any of this bullshit in the newspapers just remember that it's sent out in bulk by TV Licensing for their own means.