Guess the Next BBC Paedophile

The Director General's recent observation that Jimmy Savile was a "skillful and successful sexual predator" has sent shock waves rippling through the heart of the BBC.

The Corporation has confirmed it is closely investigating nine more allegations of sexual harassment, assault or inappropriate conduct regarding current staff or contributors. With the police poised to make further arrests it seems only a matter of time before other BBC associates are implicated in the sordid Savile child sex scandal. Some of Savile's victims have claimed that an organised paedophile ring operated at the BBC, which involved the procurement of teenagers for the sexual gratification of thus far unnamed celebrities.

Gary Glitter, a known child sex offender, was arrested yesterday as part of the Metropolitan Police's investigation into Savile's abuse, Operation Yewtree. He was released on bail late last night, to return to Charing Cross Police Station in early December. Of course the police have the option of rearresting the disgraced glam rock performer, real name Paul Gadd, if new evidence comes to light.

On reflection the clues of Savile's depraved sexual obsession were clear for all to see. His arrogant air of superiority allowed him to commit sexual predation on a massive scale. So self-assured of his perverse actions Savile groped a teenager live on Top of the Pops in front of millions of viewers and right under the noses of BBC bosses. When she tried to complain about the Yorkshireman's wandering hands she was told to "get lost" because he was "only messing about".

Today, with the temperature at Portland Place reaching critical levels, we take a look at some fictional BBC characters we have suspicions about:

1. Willy the Dog

Last seen in Albert Square in 1992, Ethel's little Willy was a mainstay of tortuous soap Eastenders for almost a decade. With drooling jowls and a glint in his eye, Willy already possesses some traits that liken him to Jimmy Savile. Some people believe Willy's sudden departure from the Square was brought about by him dry humping a passing child's leg, although the BBC refuse to comment on that speculation.

2. Davros the Dalek

Davros is a deranged scientist who wheels around in the exoskeleton of a dalek. He is horribly scarred and crippled, although we wouldn't wish to portray those as characteristics of sexual predation. Rumour has it that if Davros leaves his seat he will shatter into a thousand pieces. Perhaps the most damning piece of evidence pointing at Davros is his ability to speak with a stupid voice, just like Jimmy Savile did.

3. Edd the Duck

It would be no exaggeration to say that Edd the Duck, sporting his trademark green mohican, had an unnatural obsession with children during his time at the BBC. He spent most of his time in the Broom Cupboard, where he lured impressionable youngsters into watching televisual tripe in the late 1980s. Some say that Edd's subliminal messages, which also appeared on milkshake bottles, turned children into submissive zombies that were glued to the gogglebox.

4. Bob the Builder

Bob the Builder has made it to the list because he was recently implicated in a joke about Jimmy Savile. For those of you that haven't heard it goes something like this:

Joker: "Did you hear that Bob the Builder had been sacked by the BBC?"

Victim: "Really? No, I hadn't heard that"

Joker: "Yes. The BBC said they had no option but to sack him, as they're unable to trust any children's TV star who says he can fix it"

It's a good joke, but not quite as subtle as the one that inadvertently made it to air when some moronic BBC Radio Ulster presenter mistook it for a genuine listener comment the other day.

5. Tinky Winky

Effeminate purple Teletubby with a triangular child detecting aerial on his head, who allegedly carries a handbag full of chloroform and cotton wool balls to subdue his targets. Tinky Winky has previously been the centre of sexual innuendo with the revelation that he was actually gay.

Defending Tinky, as he's known to his special friends, against previous rumours a BBC spokesman said: "This is not the first time that people have read symbolism into a children's TV programme and it probably won't be the last.

"As far as we are concerned Tinky Winky is simply a sweet, technological baby with a magic bag".

That denial just about seals it!

It shouldn't be too much longer before other real names come to the fore.

Edit (10/5/13): Looks like we were wrong with all of the above names, but right that other real names would be outed. Next up is BBC North West and It's A Knockout veteran Stuart Hall. On 2nd May 2013 Hall pleaded guilty to 14 counts of indecent assaulting girls, the youngest of whom was just NINE years old at time. Reading around it appears, quel surprise, that paedo Hall's "wandering hands" were a frequent source of BBC gossip. According to news reports he used to frequently "entertain" women in his BBC Manchester dressing room.