Ten TV Licensing Presents this Christmas

With only three full shopping days left before Christmas we thought we'd trawl through our previous posts and come up with a list of presents to keep TV Licensing at arm's length.

1. As MrTelevadar's previous YouTube video shows TV Licensing don't like masks. Very topically, with Britain facing rampaging mobs of looters and rioters, he chose the famous Guy Fawkes mask immortalised by the movie V for Vendetta.

Suggested present: Guy Fawkes mask from V for Vendetta.

2. Chris Christophorou's curious testimony to Canterbury Magistrates Court reveals that TV Licensing has some magical detection device that can tell what channel a person's watching from the enchanting flicker of the screen. We mockingly compared this scientific mumbo-jumbo to a kid's kaleidoscope.

Suggested present: Traditional tin kaleidoscope for detecting TVs.

3. Speaking of scientific mumbo-jumbo Dr Ben Goldacre, who exposed TV poo expert Gillian McKeith as an academic charlatan, is well known for exposing scientific falsehoods. His book is a cracking read.

Suggested present: Bad Science by Ben Goldacre.

4. Regular readers will know that TV Licensing normally run a mile when confronted with a camera. Better still is when they're caught on camera and don't realise it, which means the subsequent steam of poo emanating from their mouth can be captured for future hilarity. My local takeaway has this nifty piece of kit, which I'm always admiring the output of as I wait for my kebab.

Suggested present: Ex-Pro Complete LED CCTV system for filming TV Licensing goons.

5. According to TV Licensing's own policies they should not call at properties when they have been told not to. A sign on the gatepost clearly saying they're not welcome should do the trick.

Suggested present: No Salesmen, Cold Callers or Canvassers sign.

6. No TV Licensing visiting officer would be complete without a stylish leather (or fake leather) folder to keep their paperwork neat and tidy. If for some sad reason you wish to impersonate a goon, maybe at a festive fancy dress party, then go equipped to look the part!

Suggested present: Stylish Leather Look Conference Folder.

7. There's not a lot that the BBC really do well, but one of the exceptions is their natural history programmes. The recent Frozen Planet series, despite half of the scenes being staged using animals in captivity, has attracted widespread acclaim.

Suggest present: Frozen Planet box set.

8. Gamers queued around the block to get their hands on the latest release of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. It's a great shoot 'em up. Unfortunately, unless you're in the rough end of Belfast where it's positively encouraged by the locals, it's against the law to shoot at TV Licensing salesmen. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 is the next best thing. You can always pretend it's them!

Suggested present: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3.

9. TV Licensing often claim to have state of the art tracking equipment that can pinpoint suspect addresses to within a few metres. You too could own that technology at a very reasonable price. Apparently it can also be used for a recreational pursuit known as geocaching... whatever that is!

Suggested present: Garmin eTrex Legend.

10. In our experience TV Licensing salesmen tend to be non-too-technical, so perhaps GPS is beyond their limited abilities. A conventional road atlas does the job just as well. It also tells you every fixed speed camera position in the UK, which is very handy if you're rushing between calls with only 5 minutes left to catch your hourly quota of licence fee dodgers.

Suggested present: AA Road Atlas Britain 2012.

We're expecting an FOIA response from the BBC in the next couple of days, so will probably post again before then.

If not we wish all our regular readers (those not on the BBC/TV Licensing payroll) a very Merry Christmas.