According to TV Licensing, less than half the adults in the East Midlands claim to have lost their TV remote control in the past 12 months.
The BBC's revenue generation bullies have also been researching the crucially important subject of what people actually call their TV remote controls.
According to TV Licensing most people call their TV remote control a "remote". The term "doofah" comes second, with "zapper" following closely behind in third place.
"Who gives a shit?" I hear you cry. The answer, of course, is no-one. No-one, that is, apart from TV Licensing.
TV Licensing no doubt recognises that cheap, meaningless, uncorroborated statistics are a convenient smokescreen for distributing its real message - "get a TV licence or else" - to feeble-minded local media outlets.
You can pretty much guarantee that the same cheap, meaningless, uncorroborated statistics will be spun to local newspapers across the land over the next few days. Many of these local newspapers, in common with the BBC, have very low editorial standards and will mistakenly accept whatever TV Licensing says as gospel (what a mistake).
Local newspapers love cheap, meaningless, uncorroborated statistics because they are easy reading. As a result, TV Licensing's PR harlots creatively churn out cheap, meaningless, uncorroborated statistics by the truck load.
We have no trouble imagining the following entirely fictional scene in some dimly lit, damp smelling basement.
Enclosed in austere and depressing surroundings, ostracised by the same society they have chosen to turn their backs on, the sharpest minds of TV Licensing PR harlotdom (arguably not a very high benchmark to achieve) are feverishly crunching out their latest batch of mass produced bullshit.
"I've got it", exclaimed an entirely fictional PR harlot with notable dentistry. "We can say that 90% of people prefer to read TV listings in columns instead of rows", he continued.
"We could add that more than half the people in Bognor Regis prefer the feeling of glossy paper between their fingers", he mused.
"Sounds good", replied his entirely fictional bespectacled colleague. "But where are we going to find 1,000 people willing to waste their time completing such a pointless survey?"
Just then, a shrill entirely fictional Northern Irish voice resonated from the darkened, cobwebbed corner of the room. "How many people work in Darwen?", she shrieked.
"Only about 500", came the reply. "But there's at least the same number in Bristol too", the voice concluded.
And so the ingenious (entirely fictional) plan was hatched.
Next week we'll be discussing TV Licensing's fascinating research findings on people's preferred method of cleaning their TV screens. Do they use the circular motion recommended by most TV manufacturers? Or are they a bit more adventurous? All will be revealed.
Whichever method they choose to clean their TV screens they better watch their backs, because TV Licensing's elite squad of crime fighters are poised to mete out severe punishments to anyone caught watching without a TV licence.
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