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This blog is to highlight the unjust persecution of legitimate non-TV users at the hands of TV Licensing. These people do not require a licence and are entitled to live without the unnecessary stress and inconvenience caused by TV Licensing's correspondence and employees.

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Sunday, 8 February 2009

Amphibious TV Licensing Commandos?

Hot off the press from our friends at the Mobar Gazette:

Dear Cretinous Apes of TV Licensing,

I write in response to your recent duet of attempts at correspondence to this address.


First of all, let me say that I adore the good cop/bad cop approach you seem to have taken to this next round of sparring. A simple lack of communication between departments, or a far more subtle shout out to any number of cop dramas on the box?

Based on your previous form, I'd lean to the former, as I get the impression that subtlety is a quality that is as likely to be found in your headquarters as it would be in a production meeting for The Jerry Springer Show.

Anyway, there I was, enjoying the glut of spare time one is afforded when one doesn't own a television. I got to thinking that checking the post might be a good laugh, and boy, I was not disappointed.

The first letter I opened up was from Paul Stanfield, Customer Service Manager at TV Licensing. Paul shall hereafter be referred to as Good Cop, for he had the good sense not to startle me with aggressive colours and misappropriated capital letters.

Good Cop opened by thanking me (in bold, but I let it slide) for telling you that I don't need a TV Licence. He then pulled off a rather smooth segue into the startling claim that over a third of people who tell you that they don't need a TV Licence do, in fact, need one. The horror.

Then, a rather curious statement. "By visiting these addresses, we hope to identify licence evaders and ensure that those who, like you, legitimately need no contact from TV Licensing are not troubled unnecessarily in the future."

To me, this seems to be an admission that you have already troubled me unnecessarily and believe me to be someone who legitimately needs no contact from TV Licensing, but that you still intend to trouble me unnecessarily in the future. Let's not get bogged down in semantics though.

Exit Good Cop. Enter John Robinson of the Solent Enforcement Team, who shall hereafter be referred to as Bad Cop, or Mr Capital Letters 2009.

Solent Enforcement Team? I thought for a moment that there had been a typo. I'm not sure if there is also an Insolent Enforcement Team within your organisation, but if there is, might I suggest transferring Bad Cop to it immediately. His vitriolic tirade of thinly veiled threats would be right at home there.

After a trip to the dictionary, however, I discovered that the Solent is in fact the channel between the Isle of Wight and mainland England. Oh, great, I thought. That's the last thing I need. A crack team of amphibious TV Licensing commandos swimming their way to my door in the dead of the night, pausing only to fine various crustaceans stupid enough to think that TV Licences are only required for land dwelling creatures.

What a letter. 36pt font, capitalised, resplendent in red ink as fiery as the rage in Bad Cop's guts. Perfection could only have been attained if he had signed in the blood of the last poor misguided sod that dared to cross the Solent Enforcement Team.

Then came the threats, helpfully punctuated by way of dot points. Officers may call at your home at any time during the day, night, or weekend. They are authorised to use sophisticated detector equipment on unlicensed households. Every day they catch around 1000 evaders – YOU COULD BE NEXT.

It was heartening to discover that licensing fees are not being diverted to ridiculous things such as the upkeep of the BBC, but are instead funding roaming death squads of highly trained commandos and an almost constant stream of menacing letters that if nothing else are sure to keep ink cartridge manufacturers in business during the recession.

So let me take this opportunity to once again cordially invite you to our humble abode, still unbelievably devoid of a television. I won’t propose a time, as I get the impression the element of surprise is something that members of your species would find rather arousing.

Should the front door be too pedestrian an entry option, might I suggest rappelling down a rope from the TV Licensing helicopter and launching yourselves headfirst through the living room window, thus increasing the chance of catching us watching our non-existent television.

I should also mention we run a pretty tight ship here, so if your storm troopers could remove their boots or flippers before breaching the perimeter it would be much appreciated.

Please, make it soon. It's not that I don't enjoy constructing responses to your idiotic attempts at bullying me into paying for something I don’t require, as I’ve found our dialogue to be most entertaining. I simply long to see the physical manifestation of all these chest puffing abuses of the Caps Lock key.

You've got my number, and you obviously know where I live. So put down your keyboard, and if it’ll make you feel better, kick our door down and we can all have a nice cuppa and talk this silly business over.

Your pal,


© Mobar Gazette 2009


Anonymous said...

as another now getting the more serious threats from John Robinson im really getting a bit sick and tired of the drivel coming out of these people and i really think its time that someone found out who this guy really is and started a mass legal action directed at him personally for harassment? But i seriously doubt he exists except in the mind of the bbc thought police

Bob said...

"Every day they catch around 1000 evaders – YOU COULD BE NEXT."

A clear accusation, that the recipient is an evader.

Dean Rose said...

Haha brilliant letter. I wouldn't have ended it so nicely though. I would have ended it with "do what you must however your implied right of access is withdrawn from my property."