Wiggy the TV Licence Goon

Legally-licence-free YouTube user Lucky Malone recounts his experience of dealing with a Capita TV Licensing goon calling at his home.

Lucky has kindly agreed to us re-uploading the video to our own YouTube channel.

We're sure you'll agree that his creation is a tremendous effort. We're very impressed with the accuracy of the lyrics and the way they skilfully flow from one sentence to the next.

We are unable to confirm if TV Licensing goon Chris Morgan, shown in the image above, was the inspiration behind the lyrics of this musical masterpiece.

Full lyrics appear below:

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Whilst strumming my guitar last night, working on this tune
I was rudely interrupted by a TV licence goon
They've spent the last ten years or so, investigating me
Trying so hard to get me to cough up the licence fee

I opened up the front door and saw him standing there
In a cheap suit bought from Asda and his artificial hair
He said "TV Licensing" as he tried to look so hard
But he looked just like the plonker that was on his warrant card

He said "tell me sir, are you the legal occupier?"
I said "that's no concern of yours, you've no right to enquire
I've told you goons a dozen times and I've told the BBC
I won't pay for your licence 'cos I DON’T HAVE A TV"

"I'll just come in and check" he says as if he had a right
"Are you calling me a liar?" I said spoiling for a fight
"I need to check for evidence, it'll go in my report
'Cos if you're telling porkies, you'll end up in court"

Welcome to the fascist BBC intimidating citizens like me
They'll bully you to pay a license fee Even if you don't have a TV

I responded to this TV goon with justified derision
"I don't need to prove to you I don't have a television
Since you're the one accusing me, the proof must be your onus
Hard luck Wiggy looks like you'll not get your Savile bonus"

I don't think you understand, that you're breaching my peace
If you think I'm breaking any law, away and fetch the police
Go tell your friends at Capita, this is not a joke
Your implied rights of access, have now been revoked

He said "anything you say will be used in evidence…
"hold on" I interrupted "are you really all that dense?"
"If you think you've got legal powers – you have been misled
Your logic's as convincing as the hair upon your head

I'm not saying all TV goons haven't got a clue
But if this guy stood in dog-shit he would double his IQ
He stood there looking sheepish and gave a nervous cough
He looked down at his folder, and his stupid wig fell off

Welcome to the fascist BBC intimidating citizens like me
Sending goons to snoop around my home I wish to hell they’d just leave me alone

So Wiggy turned and walked away, his toupee in his hand
Sulking cos I stood my ground, ignoring his demands
Next week I'll get a letter, with the same old allegation
Telling me my property's "under investigation"

Now even if I'd let him in, to look around my home
He'd make up lies and say that I watch telly on my phone
When you’re dealing with these goons, the only way to win
Is to film them on your mobile and never let them in!

The licence revenue that's gathered from this scepter'd isle
funds the lavish lifestyle of elitist paedophiles
Corruption, fraud and bullying, extorting annual fees
That's the business model of the good old BBC

It's time you sheeple all woke up, and start to think this through
They're committing daylight robbery, and taking cash from you
If you fund them by direct debit, cancel it today!
Turn the tables on the Beeb- it's time for them to pay!

Welcome to the fascist BBC intimidating citizens like me
This extortion racket really is a farce they can shove their
firmly up their….
________

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