Earlier this week TV Licensing, or rather their two-bit PR harlots, flooded newspapers across the land with what can only be described as cheap and fanciful tales about goon doorstep encounters.
TV Licensing PR is a bit of a joke really. It's not quite on the same farcical level as BBC transparency, but it's a joke nonetheless. We can imagine the scene in some seedy backstreet PR parlour. In the dimly-lit, damp-smelling basement some of TV Licensing's finest PR minds, arguably not a very high benchmark to achieve, are salivating at the prospect of their next tranche of recycled stories about £1000 fines or imaginary detector vans. They work in isolation, far-detached from the civilisation of the outside world or concept of respectable employment.
Somehow we have no difficulty imagining a conversation along the following lines: "I know what we can do. It's been a whole 6-months since we last put out a story about the excuses offered by licence-dodging scum. Let's prepare another story on the same theme".
Well, two can play at that game. Today, for your amusement, we publish our equally well-researched and corroborable list of jobs that our respondents consider better than being a TV Licensing goon. We're confident it has been prepared to the same exacting standards as the average TV Licensing press release:
- Stephen Hawking's voice coach
- Goonhilde's gynaecologist
- Boris Johnson's hairdresser
- Coronation Street script editor
- STD clinic scab sampler
- Jimmy Savile/Stuart Hall character witness
- Paris poop scooper
- Civil Enforcement Officer
- Sewer jet washer
- Rent boy
- Sigmoidoscope cleaner
- Justin Bieber's PR agent
- Police Community Support Officer
- Michael Barrymore's pool cleaner
- Outdoor River Dance teacher in Helmand province
- CSA investigator in Merseyside
- Heterosexual fluffer on a gay porn movie set
- Seal clubber
- Suicide booth tester
Those are just a few of the suggestions from our respondents. If you can think of any other careers that would be preferable to being a TV Licensing goon, please add them in the comments below.
Edit: Thanks to Taff, Roy Stirred-Oyster, jasovanooo and D Tec tor Van for the last minute additions.
Edit: Thanks to Taff, Roy Stirred-Oyster, jasovanooo and D Tec tor Van for the last minute additions.
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