TV Licensing Job Ad: Reading Between the Lines

Capita TV Licensing are currently recruiting "Sales Officers" in the Brighton area.

For the benefit of unemployed people thinking of whoring themselves out to the devil, we thought we'd offer a plain English translation of some of the key comments in the ad.

What TVL job ad says: "Great negotiation and customer service skills."

What TVL job ad means: "The ability to brow beat people into buying a licence, whether they need one or not. Must be able to recognise those social groups most likely to pay up."

What TVL job ad says: "Providing outcome results from each of your visits."

What TVL job ad means: "Must be willing to poke around people's private property and harvest as much information as possible, even though you're not legally entitled to."

What TVL job ad says: "Visiting selected unlicensed addresses (no cold calling)." 

What TVL job ad means: "By concentrating on high population areas you'll be able maximise your commission earnings."

What TVL job ad says: "Reduce evasion on (sic) the fee, and to maximise sales for the BBC."

What TVL job ad means: "Sell as many licences as you can by whatever means necessary, so the BBC gets as much cash as possible."

What TVL job ad says: "Flexible attitude to attendance patterns."

What TVL job ad means: "You'll work long days and unsociable hours."

What TVL job ad says: "Perseverance."

What TVL job ad means: "Expect people who know exactly how little authority you have to swear at you slam the door in your face."

What TVL job ad says: "A basic salary of £12,000 per annum."

What TVL job ad means: "The pay is shit. By paying peanuts we expect to employ monkeys."

What TVL job ad says: "Average salary with commission in 2010 was £23,897."

What TVL job ad means: "You can boost your earnings by selling lots of licences to people, whether they need them or not."

What TVL job ad says: "An outstanding results-based incentive scheme."

What TVL job ad means: "Sell, sell, sell and you'll make lots of cash. The harder you try to sell, the more likely you'll be able to bully your commission payment from someone."